


f'd in the b(asketball)

by kingdra (aroceu)



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Book/Movie Fusion, Crack, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-05-16 11:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5827093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/kingdra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which there are battles to the death instead of basketball games. Except death isn't real outside of comic books. </p><p>Or: To date Kuroko (in peace), Kagami defeats his five evil exes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	f'd in the b(asketball)

**Author's Note:**

> For the SWAG prompt originally posted at the KNB kink meme: "To date Kuroko, Kagami must first defeat five of his evil exes." So basically a Scott Pilgrim AU! 
> 
> I keep forgetting that I've both watched and read all of the Scott Pilgrim comics (and movie.) This is sort of based on the series, but you don't need to have watched/read it in order to read. Because this is crack. So. Yeah.

Kagami was a transfer student; he wasn't supposed to fall in love in his first year in high school.

But he did, with a quiet boy in the back of his class, whose nose was buried in a book.

"Hi," Kagami said, during their class break. "Do you want to go out with me?"

The boy lifted his head up. Kagami remembered his name -- Kuroko Tetsuya, almost missed by their teacher on the attendance record. He looked surprised to see Kagami standing in front of him.

"It's the first day of school," he said to Kagami.

Kagami shrugged.

"You're Kagami Taiga," Kuroko said.

"That's me," said Kagami.

Kuroko's gaze was calculating. "I'll go out with you," he said, after a minute.

 

 

"Under one condition," he said, three dates later when they were both half-naked in Kagami's bed.

 

 

Kuroko wouldn’t give him the full details. That was all Kagami wanted.

"What do you mean, you have five exes?" he exclaimed.

They were still half-naked in Kagami's bed.

"I mean, I have five exes," Kuroko said patiently. "You'll have to battle them now."

" _Now_?"

"Since we're dating," Kuroko explained.

"You couldn't have told me this, I don't know," said Kagami. "Three dates ago?"

"I tried to tell you," said Kuroko.

 

 

("Hey," said Kuroko, as they headed toward the burger joint. "There's something you should know about -- "

"Do you want burgers or wings? Because personally I prefer burgers, but if you want, we can get wings instead."

"We can get burgers.")

 

 

("Hey," said Kuroko, as they walked toward the skating rink. "So, I kind of have -- "

"Rollerblading is so much easier than ice skating, I’m telling you, there's not the stupid ice to fall on, plus the blades hurt like a  _motherf_  -- "

"Don't use that word, Kagami-kun.")

 

 

("Hey," said Kuroko, as they headed to Kagami's house after school. "The other day, I was going to tell you that -- "

“Are you saying for dinner? ‘Cause I live on my own and I'm a pretty good cook if I say so myself -- I learned a lot in America."

"Oh, that would be nice.")

 

 

"Huh," said Kagami. "You did."

Kuroko held up his hand. "Five exes," he said, again.

Kagami watched his fingers, which had been in Kuroko's mouth not long ago. "Five exes," he repeated. "How bad could it be?"

 

 

The first ex was a blond.

Kagami didn't mind blonds, mostly. Alex was blond, and even though she was kind of scary when she wanted to be, he liked her quite a bit. She had trained him when he was in the States.

Kuroko's ex, though. He was a blond and was also apparently a fashion model and smiled way too fucking much.

Kagami hated him on sight.

"So," said the blond ex, grinning. "I heard you want to date Kurokocchi."

"What the hell's a Kurokocchi?" Kagami spat.

Kuroko raised his hand from the side. "It's me."

"I use the -cchi suffix with people I like, Kagami," said the annoying blond fashion model ex. He smirked, like he was trying to make it obvious that he wasn't calling _Kagami_ some dumb nickname. Kagami rolled his eyes.

"So you don't like me," he said. "Big whoop. I'm supposed to kick your ass, anyway."

"If you can,” taunted Blond Obnoxious Asshole.

 

 

Kise lay on the ground, twitching. "I have to hand it to you, Kagamicchi," he said, clutching his nose.

Kagami ignored him. He turned to Kuroko.

"Who's next?"

 

 

The next ex came about a week later.

He had green hair, and his school uniforms were orange.

He was also holding a ceramic frog.

"Oh my god," said Kagami. "Why did you even date him?"

Kuroko shrugged. "He's smart," he said thoughtfully. "Nice."

"When did you even have the time to date five people?"

"Middle school," Kuroko replied.

Carrot's name was Midorima, as Kuroko introduced. Midorima introduced his frog, too, but Kagami didn't care.

"Let me kick your ass," he said, raising his fists up.

Midorima slid his glasses up his nose. "The stars say that luck is on my side today," he said. "Especially if I carry my lucky item, this porcelain frog."

Kagami knocked the frog out of his hands.

 

 

Midorima lay in a heap on the floor. Kuroko looked down at his writhing body, impressed.

"I'm not sure if I should be turned on or concerned that you're kicking my exes' asses so easily," he said to Kagami.

Kagami shrugged. "I had training in America."

Kuroko eyed his arms. "Ah," he said.

 

 

They got side-tracked then, after they’d walked back and Kuroko started asking Kagami what kind of training he did. Their conversation turned less verbal then because Kuroko wanted to try _things_  and they were already in Kagami’s bedroom at that point and it wasn’t like Kagami was going to say no. The banging at his door, later, was pretty distinct; but Kagami figured that this ex could wait at least until tomorrow before their showdown.

 

 

He was woken up in the middle of the night when the door to his bedroom flew off its hinges.

"Holy shit," said Kagami at the tall monster looming in front of them.

Kuroko lifted his head up sleepily. "Hi, Murasakibara."

 

 

Kagami asked if he could put his clothes on before their fight, but Murasakibara had said no.

Murasakibara had long purple hair and was holding a bag of chips.

"He's fucking huge," Kagami whispered to Kuroko.

Kuroko shrugged. His smile glinted in the light of his bedroom. "Yeah," he said.

They battled, though it was definitely harder than the last two, considering the guy's size. Kagami had to work around it, using the meteor jam move that Alex had taught him back in America.

It destroyed his whole bedroom, but at least it destroyed Murasakibara too.

He was panting and covered with soot when he was done. He and Kuroko both looked at Murasakibara's body.

"My bed is a mess," said Kagami.

Kuroko was starting to slip out, anyway. "Let's sleep on the couch," he suggested.

 

 

After that was Aomine, who was not as big as Murasakibara, but almost twice as strong. He was an even match for Kagami -- everywhere Kagami tried to hit, Aomine was there blocking him.

"Why did you have to date  _this_  guy?" Kagami complained as he attempted to swerve around Aomine's body.

Aomine was there, grinning like the smug bastard he was. "Because I'm the best in bed," he said.

"Sorry,” Kagami huffed, "but I think that position has been replaced by _me_!"

 

 

Kuroko walked over to where Aomine was crumpled on his knees. Kagami was panting, bruises on his arms. Kuroko ran his fingers over the tender spots; Kagami shivered in gratefulness.

"You are the best in bed," Kuroko assured him, standing up on his tiptoes. "Now."

Kagami kept his eyes open, rolling them as Kuroko kissed him. "I know," he said, trying to fight a smile and failing.

 

 

The last ex was a short red-haired guy who kept fucking staring at Kagami.

"What the fuck is his problem?" Kagami asked.

Kuroko called over to him from the other side of the parking lot. He was sitting on a car, away from their fight.

"It's called his emperor's eye! He uses it to read minds!"

"What?" Kagami scoffed. "That's impossible, there's no such thing as mind reading!"

Akashi, the creepy ex, spoke. "If it's impossible," he said, "then why are you thinking about eating rather than about our battle at hand?"

Kagami scoffed again, trying not to let the flush show on his face. "First of all, I'm not thinking about eating," he said. "Second of all, I’d rather think about what I'm doing after this than this dumb fight, because I already know I'm going to kick your ass."

"That's going to be hard," said Akashi, "if I know every move you're going to make."

 

 

Akashi was fucking annoying.

Their battle took twelve hours.

 

 

Kuroko slept through half of it.

 

 

"Did we win?" he asked sleepily, when Kagami came over to him.

Kagami was bleeding from his nose and eyes and had a deep scratch in his arm. He was also pretty sure he injured something internal and important, but he had Kuroko here, blinking dazedly at him.

"We won," Kagami affirmed.

Kuroko smiled at him. "You won," he said, extending his fist out.

Kagami bumped it with his own, and kissed Kuroko on the mouth.

 

 

(He was hospitalized for a month right after that, but Kuroko visited him every day and said that he liked dating Kagami more than any of his past evil exes.

Plus, the hospital bed sex was really good.)


End file.
